They're here, and I have a plan

I don't think anyone should panic but the alien attack is under way. That's right the first attack was against a small Peruvian village. What does this mean? Well, it could mean that they think that llamas are the dominant species on the planet. Or more probably, they think that that Peruvian pan flute music played on a street corner in every large American city is the source of our power as humans. Whichever explanation is correct, I think we can win this war.

To that end, I have a plan. Before I get to my plan, there are a few things we have learned about aliens from our collective experience (movies). Click on the numbers to find the source of our understanding:

1. If they get separated from the others, they can be both vulnerable and cute. A lone alien will look for any way to communicate or "phone home".

2. Yodeling kills them. Luckily, Slim Whitman is still alive.

3. Water burns them. Why they came to a planet where 70% of the surface will melt their skin is beyond me.

4. Cotton candy is not what you think.

5. Their landing site will be the Devil's Tower in Wyoming. There will be a Frenchman busy making preparations to surrender.

So here is the plan:
The key is to let them first meet the Frenchman upon arrival. That alone might convince them to turn back. If not and the French are paradoxically successful at surrendering, then it will lull them into a false sense of security.

Once they feel they have come, seen, and conquered, we will gather them in for a star-studded event to benefit awareness. Just after Kanye West and Hilary Duff finish their big duet, out come the Yodelers! We'll use both American and Bavarian yodelers because we just don't know which one is more effective. Just as they start to yodel, we also open up the fire hoses.

If we do it right and hype the great gift bags, their entire leadership should be at this event and we will cut off the head of the beast in one fell swoop. Those who are left will be easily dispatched with a splash of water, a beating with a baseball bat, and a killer rendition of Indian Love Call.

Sadly, we won't be able to get rid of them all. If you do encounter one lost and alone. He will probably charm you with his glowing finger. If you fall under his spell and you help him communicate with the others, make sure you sign him up with T-Mobile. He probably won't get a signal no matter where he is and if he does the call will probably be dropped before he can communicate any useful information.

Yep, I'm pretty sure it will work. Especially the water part...or does water just make them multiply?

Here is Plan B:

I had a dream

It is a rare occurrence for me to remember a dream. So when I do remember, I find it strange. Stranger still is the content of my remembered dreams. So here is a window into my unconscious mind:

I leave the house and walk out to a car waiting in the driveway. I get in the rear seat and see to my great surprise that it is being driven by my friend's little brother. This was a shock because it was not the current 18 year old version, but a 6 year old! I was speechless and he began to drive away. He started crashing into anything that dared to place itself in front of the car. He hit everything but a deer and a home run. I mustered the courage and said: "Should you be driving." He replied: "Yes, of course." I responded: "Oh...OK." I sat back in my seat and allowed the lad to continue blazing his path of destruction.

I personally think that dreams CAN have meaning but usually don't. This one hits close to home for me. I don't know why but I think this one might mean something. Does anyone have any idea what this could mean? I need help. Whether you know me or not, use the comments section to share your thoughts.

Rummy

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and I must be kindred spirits. On February 12, 2004, he said:

Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - - the ones we don't know we don't know. And if one looks throughout the history of our country and other free countries, it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones.

People often make fun of this quote but it's brilliant. It makes perfect sense to me. Love him or hate him, Rummy sums up the scope of human knowledge in a succinct, if somewhat poorly organized paragraph. Allow me to break it down for you.

"Known knowns"- As he says, these are things we know that we know. We know that we know our bank balance. If you find that you have no known knowns in your life simply stand with your mouth very close to the mirror. If after a few seconds the mirror fogs, then you have your first known known. Congratulations!

"Known unkowns"- There are certain things we know that we don't know. For instance, I know that I don't know who will win the Superbowl, but I know someone will win it. Or, for those of you who log on to TMZ hourly, we know that two of the stars of The Hills will engage in an old-fashioned duel, we just don't know when, which ones, or what weapons they will choose.

"Unknown unknowns"- It is an infinite universe and there are an infinite number of things to know. With people making decisions constantly, there are new things to know all the time. Lets face it, there is a lot going on that we don't know about. Just think about the things that exist that we don't know anything about. Actually this one is impossible to explain because unknown unkowns are themselves unknown. All I can say is that if, for some reason, you do not believe that there are unknown unknowns then there are two rather troubling possibilities. First, you may be experiencing a severe case of the Dunning-Kruger Effect. Or, even more disturbing, you may actually comprehend the whole of the known and unknown universe. If the breadth and depth of human knowledge and understanding is encapsulated in your brain, we are in a whole lot of trouble.

That's enough serious talk. Don Rumsfeld was one of the most colorful cabinet officicers in the Bush Administration. (Some of you have may think that present Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne is the most colorful, but I respectfully disagree.) Rummy was an animated fellow and always had a quick retort. Below you will find a montage to his facial expressions and gestures.


In one of the most awkward moments in television history, CBS news anchor Dan Rather accused Rumsfeld of stealing Christmas. After assuring his grandchildren that he would never do such a thing, Rummy turned to the newsman and said: "Rather, if you don't take that back, my knuckles will be the last thing you see for a week."



One reporter asked whether the military was still performing experiments with "Remote Viewing" or ESP. Rumsfeld said, "Yes." The whole room, believing it was a joke, erupted in laughter. Rummy showed them he was serious by correctly predicting that Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and Lindsay Lohan would all serve jail time in 2007.



"Take a left at the Arby's and go 3 blocks. On the northeast corner are the best chicken and waffles in northern Virginia."



While speaking at the Council on Foreign Relations, Rummy answered those who criticize his lack of diplomacy by successfully persuading North Koreans and Japanese to sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" together. Here he is assigning to the the first verse to the people that are universally recognized as the most difficult nationality to persuade to sing, the Swiss.



A little known fact, perhaps not known at all, is that Rummy was quite the matchmaker. Here he interrupted a question about Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani to suggest that a young reporter from the Boston Globe, Fiona O'Leary, and CNBC producer Mike Stein would make a lovely couple. Despite never having met before this unsolicited piece of advice, the two were married 4 months later at Rumsfeld's New Mexico ranch.



Here he is instructing a senate committee on what makes primates different from most other mammals. His knowledge of evolutionary biology is unparalleled.

Tijuana, I never want to see you again

I was extorted by one of Tijuana's finest last week. Friday night I went to Baja with my friends Brandt and Nick. They needed to prerun for the Baja 1000 and I went to help them out. I will not be racing. (This is one area in which I do not exhibit the Dunning-Kruger Effect.) As we passed through Tijuana where the traffic is always slow, it suddenly got even slower. We saw flashing lights ahead and we assumed it was an accident. As we inched closer, I saw it was a roadblock of some sort. When we arrived, a police officer waved us to the side. I, rather naively, assumed it was to check for drunks. The true purpose was to shake down Americans.

The police officer approached the car and asked for our IDs and checked the drink holders to see that there were no open containers of alcohol in the car. He handed back the passengers' IDs but kept the driver's. He then announced that we had been speeding and that we had been caught. This was a curious claim because the flow of traffic was well under the speed limit. That is not to say speeding was impossible, but it would have required inconveniently ramming of the car in front of us.

When we questioned exactly where this speed camera was, the officer got very defensive. He said that he would have to ticket us and hold the driver's license until the following Wednesday. That was the only option he presented. It would be impossible for my friend Nick to come back for it as he would be in New Hampshire. After a few minutes of haggling we appeared to be at an impasse. The officer then came up with a solution: you can pay the fine right now! What a brilliant idea!

We got the message. We asked how much the "fine" was. He unfolded a piece of paper from his pocket and demonstrated a fine of $150. This was outrageous. I have never heard of a cop getting more than $40 as a "fine" for a similar "violation." He would not not negotiate. We eventually paid the whole $150. We asked for paperwork and he replied: "No, because I say so."

This officer did this right on the side of the road in plain view of all of his colleagues. He had no fear or shame for simply shaking down "rich" Americans. This fits the classic definition of extortion:

1. The offense committed by a public official who illegally obtains property under the color of office; esp., an official's collection of an unlawful fee.
2. The act or practice of obtaining something or compelling some action by illegal means, as by force or coercion. (Black's Law Dictionary)

I never want to go to Tijuana again. Next time, we'll use the Tecate or Mexicali crossing. Yes, we will go many miles out of the way just to avoid that putrid city and its uniformed extortionists. If you go to Mexico, educate yourself here and here.

Dunning-Kruger Effect

There is no better job than a college professor these days. They work very little and get paid 6 figures for it. Teaching load is 1/3 less than it was 20 years ago and acceptable office hours are 9am-10am on the first and third Wednesday of each month but only if those particular days fall on a new moon.

So what do professors do all day? They perform experiments on graduate students and identify things like the Dunnning-Kruger Effect. The effect was found as part of a continuing effort to identify and name all of my personality defects. What is the Dunnning-Kruger Effect? It is the phenomenon that people who don't know anything, can't even figure out that basic fact about themselves. Justin Kruger and David Dunning (both of Cornell) won an Ignobel Award for this research in 2000. Here is the full report.

How did they find this effect? They administered test to graduate students on humor, logical reasoning, and grammar. They then asked the subjects how they did and compared the self-assessment to their actual performance. They also had the subjects grade each other. What did they find? The people who did poorly on the test thought they did very well and didn't recognize those who really did well.

The researchers summed up the people they are talking about:
We argue that when people are incompetent in the strategies they adopt to achieve success and satisfaction, they suffer a dual burden: Not only do they reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it. Instead, like Mr. Wheeler (a bank robber who believed that smearing lemon juice on his face would render him invisible to security cameras), they are left with the mistaken impression that they are doing just fine.

Here are a few examples of this that we all observe:
- The first few episodes of American Idol.

- Very often the fellow behind you at a sporting even. He (it's very rarely a she) compares the abilities of the performing player to himself or, even more derisively, his grandmother.

- People who write blogs believing that they are somehow contributing to society and culture. In reality, they are hasting the downfall of America and assisting the rise of Canada. Let me be the first to congratulate our maple leafed overlords!

- Those who disparage the careers of others while having no hope of ever achieving such a position. See paragraph 1 above.

I Officially Have No Personality

I took an online personality test and found out I have very little personality. My highest ranking in any category is 37% and that was neuroticism. See my results for yourself:

I'm a O20-C25-E1-A27-N37 Big Five!!

Small World, Even Smaller Blogosphere

The blogosphere is an amazing place. It is a place where thousands, perhaps millions of people post ideas and photos of things that wouldn't, and probably shouldn't, be remembered in the first place. While it is composed of the creations of many humans, the blogosphere is entirely devoid of life. I often find myself going from blog to blog reading what other people have to say. Sometimes I am amazed by people's insights. Most of the time the posts have more than five sentences and I just move on.

The other day I clicked on a link and started to scroll down when I saw a familiar face. I scrolled down some more and found two more people I recognized.

Its funny who you run into on the "internet." The second photo down is my nephew. Yes, the one captioned "Little boyfriend #1." The seventh photo down is my other nephew and my older sister. I know what you are thinking and let me assure you that neither of us is adopted and we are full-blood siblings.

What I learned from Mamma Mia

In a tragically common lapse in judgment I went to Mamma Mia on Wednesday night. I would rank going as the second stupidest thing I have ever done. Staying would be the third stupidest thing. (For those of you who are curious, you may ask me about the stupidest thing I have ever done, but it will be a very awkward conversation.)

For those of you who don't know, Mama Mia is a Broadway musical based on the music of the Swedish disco group Abba. When your concept starts with scoring a play from a bunch of halfway decent songs by a group that only made one decent song, you have problems. What is the result? Not good. They sang Dancing Queen not once...not twice...but thrice! (I don't know why they didn't include Disco Inferno. I like that one much better.) They attempted to fit a story in there but it was obviously an afterthought. The result was boring enough to bring a grown man to sobs and as about as funny as a tour of a slaughterhouse.

I started to think of any legal theories that might compensate me form my tragic loss. I could sue for loss of brain cells but no reasonable jury would believe I had them in the first place. Not being one to view an experience as completely useless, here are 3 things I learned.

1. In acting, having a foreign accent is a full-time job. Part-time accents simply don't work.

2. Flashing colored lights in the wrong combination can cause seizures. I must admit I wanted the distraction. Maybe having a seizure is kind of like hypnotism?

3. Broadway musicals are not targeted toward me or any other normal male. This was patently obvious from the amount of fabric on the men's costumes versus the women's.

Would I ever go to another musical? The answer is no, not without a good reason. And that good reason would never be found in the performance itself. The good reason would probably be of the female persuasion. They have mysterious powers to get me to do things that are completely out of character.

Birthdays

I am not a big fan of birthdays, at least not mine. I don't really get what all the fuss is about. However, for the other 364 days of the year, it's kind of fun to look at who shares your birthday and what happened on that day through the years. Here is what I found. I've tried to include a pretty good variety of material.

My birthday shall remain unspecified, but patently obvious to anyone who bothered to click the link. Other than being the most depressing day of 2007 (seriously, click on the link), my birthday was the 117th anniversary of the United Mine Workers of America. Wait, it gets better! It was also the day that Spain ceded the Falkland Islands to England. A day well-celebrated by both of the families who live there today. In 1905, a Russian revolution was sparked by "Bloody Sunday". (Not to be confused with the Bloody Sunday that U2 sang about. That was January 30. I'm glad I wasn't born on that day.) In 1917, President Wilson called for "peace without victory" to end WWI. We all know how that turned out. In 1973, the US Supreme Court delivered the opinion in Roe v. Wade. Thank you Justice Blackmun. Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, plead guilty for the murder of 3 people.

On the lighter side, LA's channel 5 KTLA started broadcasting as the first commercial television station west of the Mississippi. In 1973, George Foreman gave Joe Frazier his first loss causing Howard Cosell to yell: "Down goes Frazier, down goes Frazier!" One of the greatest exclamations in sport.

Who shares my birthday?
- Linda Blair, she played the possessed girl in The Exorcist
- Sir Francis Bacon, philosopher and an important part of a hearty breakfast
- Lord Byron, the romantic poet. This one is for the ladies.
- Grigori Rasputin, the Russian peasant/psychic/screenwriter who inadvertently hastened the introduction of communism to Russia. Thanks a lot, boyo!
- DW Griffith, the first truly famous American film director. His first hit glorified the KKK.
- Justice Fred Vinson, Supreme Court Justice. Known as one of the weaker intellects to sit on the Court. At least that was what my Constitutional law professor said.
- Sam Cooke, singer of "You Send Me" and "Chain Gang"
- Marcel Dassault, a great aircraft pioneer. I forgive him for being French.
- Jeff Smith, TV chef nicknamed The Frugal Gourmet and former neighbor of my parents.
- The Right Honorable Ramsay MacDonald was not born. But he did become Prime Minister of Great Britain on this day. Winston Churchill said of him: "He has, more than any other man, the gift of compressing the largest number of words into the smallest amount of thought." Ask me Winston Churchill's quote about the traditions of the British Navy.
- John Hurt, creepy English actor. He played the Elephant Man, John Merrick.
-DJ Jazzy Jeff, former celebrity and partner of Will Smith

Unfortunately some people die on this day too:
- Queen Victoria in 1901 after a 63 year reign
- Mike Hawthorn, World Driving Champion in 1958 with Ferrari. Ironically, he died in a street car accident.
- Duke Kahanamoku,The Big Kahuna himself
- Lyndon Baines Johnson, President, but not a very good one.
- Budd Dwyer, politician who shot himself at a press conference he called. He was about to be sentenced on corruption charges.
- Telly Savales, Kojak.

I guess its not such a bad day. I just don't like it being about me.

Below is a video clip of the Foreman/Frazier fight. George Foreman later became known for other achievements including:
- A complete lack of creativity in naming his male children
- Spokesman for Meineke Mufflers
- A popular kitchen appliance that should NOT be used to cook bacon bedside.

You will not hear Howard Cosell's famous line because that footage doesn't get on Youtube. You get a different announcer. Foreman in red and Frazier in white. Frazier was known as a slow starter in fights but it quickly became apparent that this bout would end badly for Smokin' Joe.

Passive-agressivism

I love small cars. Partly because I own one and partly because they have certain advantages. One of the largest advantages is parking. I can park pretty much anywhere.

This morning I was rushing to Church for the morning meeting and the only space in my preferred area was between a properly parked minivan and a large sport utility that only could have been parked by an escaped mental patient rushing to knock over a 7-11. There was very little room but I took it anyway. While there was very little room on both sides, I chose to leave as much room as I could for the minivan. After the meeting I had to go home to fetch something at home. As I left I saw a few acquaintances in the hall and, as is my custom, chatted with them. I mentioned what I did and my friend Deron and I agreed to do that on purpose when there are plenty of spaces around would be a very passive-aggressive thing to do. We laughed and I left.

As I returned I saw my friend Matt's car in the parking lot and I parked next to it. There were plenty of spaces but I chose the one on his driver's side. As I stopped the car I thought: I'm really a passive-aggressive person and I should really embrace this terrible character flaw. I backed out and got as close to Matt's car as possible making sure there was no way a human could access the driver's door. I have nothing against Matt. No one is more kind to me. He is one of my very best friends. But that does not provide immunity.

After sacrament meeting he found me and demanded I move my car. I offered to let him move it but this was a hollow offer because he can't drive a car equipped with a manual transmission. I suggested he just climb in the passenger's side. I guess he's not that limber. He must have demanded I move my 8 or 9 times during the 3 hour block. Each time I refused and laughed maniacally. I have never received so much pride or pleasure from such a small act of utter contempt for my fellow man. Passive-aggressiveness is just plain fun.

Some other passive-aggressive activities I enjoy:
- Speeding up when someone uses their blinker to signal a lane change in front of you.

- Standing while reading a magazine in the most popular aisle of the magazine section at Borders so others can't get to the rack they want.

- Intentionally changing the TV channel to something others in the room will surely hate. For some reason everyone I know hates the History Channel. For the populace at large, Lifetime is a sure bet.

- Leaving a very small tip after profusely thanking your waiter for the wonderful service.

- Standing right next to the outlet of the airport baggage claim so when their bags come out, people have to maneuver around you further down the line to get their suitcase. (The proper thing to do is stand a few steps back and only get right up to it when you suspect its your bag.)

- Slot in front of that guy, no matter how little room there is, and pull your bag off the carousel forcing him to move. Be sure to say "Excuse me" with the toothiest grin you can muster.

- And, perhaps the most passive-aggressive thing to do: Drive slowly in the left lane on the freeway. To me this indicates a level of malice that approaches serial killers. I bet Ted Bundy drove like that.