I love small cars. Partly because I own one and partly because they have certain advantages. One of the largest advantages is parking. I can park pretty much anywhere.
This morning I was rushing to Church for the morning meeting and the only space in my preferred area was between a properly parked minivan and a large sport utility that only could have been parked by an escaped mental patient rushing to knock over a 7-11. There was very little room but I took it anyway. While there was very little room on both sides, I chose to leave as much room as I could for the minivan. After the meeting I had to go home to fetch something at home. As I left I saw a few acquaintances in the hall and, as is my custom, chatted with them. I mentioned what I did and my friend Deron and I agreed to do that on purpose when there are plenty of spaces around would be a very passive-aggressive thing to do. We laughed and I left.
As I returned I saw my friend Matt's car in the parking lot and I parked next to it. There were plenty of spaces but I chose the one on his driver's side. As I stopped the car I thought: I'm really a passive-aggressive person and I should really embrace this terrible character flaw. I backed out and got as close to Matt's car as possible making sure there was no way a human could access the driver's door. I have nothing against Matt. No one is more kind to me. He is one of my very best friends. But that does not provide immunity.
After sacrament meeting he found me and demanded I move my car. I offered to let him move it but this was a hollow offer because he can't drive a car equipped with a manual transmission. I suggested he just climb in the passenger's side. I guess he's not that limber. He must have demanded I move my 8 or 9 times during the 3 hour block. Each time I refused and laughed maniacally. I have never received so much pride or pleasure from such a small act of utter contempt for my fellow man. Passive-aggressiveness is just plain fun.
Some other passive-aggressive activities I enjoy:
- Speeding up when someone uses their blinker to signal a lane change in front of you.
- Standing while reading a magazine in the most popular aisle of the magazine section at Borders so others can't get to the rack they want.
- Intentionally changing the TV channel to something others in the room will surely hate. For some reason everyone I know hates the History Channel. For the populace at large, Lifetime is a sure bet.
- Leaving a very small tip after profusely thanking your waiter for the wonderful service.
- Standing right next to the outlet of the airport baggage claim so when their bags come out, people have to maneuver around you further down the line to get their suitcase. (The proper thing to do is stand a few steps back and only get right up to it when you suspect its your bag.)
- Slot in front of that guy, no matter how little room there is, and pull your bag off the carousel forcing him to move. Be sure to say "Excuse me" with the toothiest grin you can muster.
- And, perhaps the most passive-aggressive thing to do: Drive slowly in the left lane on the freeway. To me this indicates a level of malice that approaches serial killers. I bet Ted Bundy drove like that.
2 comments:
Dusty, you are so funny, yet I hate it when people do all of those things, especially the whole airport baggage thing. The last time I was at the airport, I was holding Koll in one arm, pushing through the line of close baggage belt standers, and grabbing my baggage with the other hand. After I got my last piece of luggage some guy asked if I needed help. It would help if you moved out of my way!
Secondly, I hate it when people drive in the left hand lane. It is for passing only! Shane is usually pretty good, but yesterday he was driving in the left lane, and I told him to go into the right lane. He said he would when someone came behind him. Next thing we know someone is passing him on the right, and he says oh, they came from nowhere. If you hate left lane hang out drivers, than don't move to Oregon, or Puerto Rico. Or just learn that you can go much faster in the right lane.
Wow, this post has brought out some intensity in me!
Way to bug Matt (I am guessing it is the Matt I know). Another thing that bugs him is calling him during a favorite TV show. I used to call him during Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and he would get mad. As if he was really watching it for content. Anyway, if the point of this post was to rile people it, then it worked.
When I'm at work, I like put my headphones on even if I'm not listening to anything. Then when people talk to me, I completely ignore them even though I can hear every word they say. Sometimes they even say things they don't want you to hear because they think you can't.
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