They're here, and I have a plan

I don't think anyone should panic but the alien attack is under way. That's right the first attack was against a small Peruvian village. What does this mean? Well, it could mean that they think that llamas are the dominant species on the planet. Or more probably, they think that that Peruvian pan flute music played on a street corner in every large American city is the source of our power as humans. Whichever explanation is correct, I think we can win this war.

To that end, I have a plan. Before I get to my plan, there are a few things we have learned about aliens from our collective experience (movies). Click on the numbers to find the source of our understanding:

1. If they get separated from the others, they can be both vulnerable and cute. A lone alien will look for any way to communicate or "phone home".

2. Yodeling kills them. Luckily, Slim Whitman is still alive.

3. Water burns them. Why they came to a planet where 70% of the surface will melt their skin is beyond me.

4. Cotton candy is not what you think.

5. Their landing site will be the Devil's Tower in Wyoming. There will be a Frenchman busy making preparations to surrender.

So here is the plan:
The key is to let them first meet the Frenchman upon arrival. That alone might convince them to turn back. If not and the French are paradoxically successful at surrendering, then it will lull them into a false sense of security.

Once they feel they have come, seen, and conquered, we will gather them in for a star-studded event to benefit awareness. Just after Kanye West and Hilary Duff finish their big duet, out come the Yodelers! We'll use both American and Bavarian yodelers because we just don't know which one is more effective. Just as they start to yodel, we also open up the fire hoses.

If we do it right and hype the great gift bags, their entire leadership should be at this event and we will cut off the head of the beast in one fell swoop. Those who are left will be easily dispatched with a splash of water, a beating with a baseball bat, and a killer rendition of Indian Love Call.

Sadly, we won't be able to get rid of them all. If you do encounter one lost and alone. He will probably charm you with his glowing finger. If you fall under his spell and you help him communicate with the others, make sure you sign him up with T-Mobile. He probably won't get a signal no matter where he is and if he does the call will probably be dropped before he can communicate any useful information.

Yep, I'm pretty sure it will work. Especially the water part...or does water just make them multiply?

Here is Plan B:

I had a dream

It is a rare occurrence for me to remember a dream. So when I do remember, I find it strange. Stranger still is the content of my remembered dreams. So here is a window into my unconscious mind:

I leave the house and walk out to a car waiting in the driveway. I get in the rear seat and see to my great surprise that it is being driven by my friend's little brother. This was a shock because it was not the current 18 year old version, but a 6 year old! I was speechless and he began to drive away. He started crashing into anything that dared to place itself in front of the car. He hit everything but a deer and a home run. I mustered the courage and said: "Should you be driving." He replied: "Yes, of course." I responded: "Oh...OK." I sat back in my seat and allowed the lad to continue blazing his path of destruction.

I personally think that dreams CAN have meaning but usually don't. This one hits close to home for me. I don't know why but I think this one might mean something. Does anyone have any idea what this could mean? I need help. Whether you know me or not, use the comments section to share your thoughts.

Rummy

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and I must be kindred spirits. On February 12, 2004, he said:

Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - - the ones we don't know we don't know. And if one looks throughout the history of our country and other free countries, it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones.

People often make fun of this quote but it's brilliant. It makes perfect sense to me. Love him or hate him, Rummy sums up the scope of human knowledge in a succinct, if somewhat poorly organized paragraph. Allow me to break it down for you.

"Known knowns"- As he says, these are things we know that we know. We know that we know our bank balance. If you find that you have no known knowns in your life simply stand with your mouth very close to the mirror. If after a few seconds the mirror fogs, then you have your first known known. Congratulations!

"Known unkowns"- There are certain things we know that we don't know. For instance, I know that I don't know who will win the Superbowl, but I know someone will win it. Or, for those of you who log on to TMZ hourly, we know that two of the stars of The Hills will engage in an old-fashioned duel, we just don't know when, which ones, or what weapons they will choose.

"Unknown unknowns"- It is an infinite universe and there are an infinite number of things to know. With people making decisions constantly, there are new things to know all the time. Lets face it, there is a lot going on that we don't know about. Just think about the things that exist that we don't know anything about. Actually this one is impossible to explain because unknown unkowns are themselves unknown. All I can say is that if, for some reason, you do not believe that there are unknown unknowns then there are two rather troubling possibilities. First, you may be experiencing a severe case of the Dunning-Kruger Effect. Or, even more disturbing, you may actually comprehend the whole of the known and unknown universe. If the breadth and depth of human knowledge and understanding is encapsulated in your brain, we are in a whole lot of trouble.

That's enough serious talk. Don Rumsfeld was one of the most colorful cabinet officicers in the Bush Administration. (Some of you have may think that present Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne is the most colorful, but I respectfully disagree.) Rummy was an animated fellow and always had a quick retort. Below you will find a montage to his facial expressions and gestures.


In one of the most awkward moments in television history, CBS news anchor Dan Rather accused Rumsfeld of stealing Christmas. After assuring his grandchildren that he would never do such a thing, Rummy turned to the newsman and said: "Rather, if you don't take that back, my knuckles will be the last thing you see for a week."



One reporter asked whether the military was still performing experiments with "Remote Viewing" or ESP. Rumsfeld said, "Yes." The whole room, believing it was a joke, erupted in laughter. Rummy showed them he was serious by correctly predicting that Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and Lindsay Lohan would all serve jail time in 2007.



"Take a left at the Arby's and go 3 blocks. On the northeast corner are the best chicken and waffles in northern Virginia."



While speaking at the Council on Foreign Relations, Rummy answered those who criticize his lack of diplomacy by successfully persuading North Koreans and Japanese to sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" together. Here he is assigning to the the first verse to the people that are universally recognized as the most difficult nationality to persuade to sing, the Swiss.



A little known fact, perhaps not known at all, is that Rummy was quite the matchmaker. Here he interrupted a question about Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani to suggest that a young reporter from the Boston Globe, Fiona O'Leary, and CNBC producer Mike Stein would make a lovely couple. Despite never having met before this unsolicited piece of advice, the two were married 4 months later at Rumsfeld's New Mexico ranch.



Here he is instructing a senate committee on what makes primates different from most other mammals. His knowledge of evolutionary biology is unparalleled.