Vocational Training

A vocation in the classical sense is more than simply a career or a job. It was an occupation that a person adopted, not for money, but because they seemed to be called to it by a higher being. The term was often applied to those who entered the priesthood. It now seems to be used as an euphemism for blue collar jobs that only require manual skill but little formal education.

Irrespective of the modern usage, vocations still exist. The difficult part is finding one. The rather wormy Chairman of Apple, Steve Jobs, said that you should find a job that you love. This is very clearly crap. There are some people who have such a horrid disposition that they cannot be happy no matter what they spend their time doing. There are others who have the constitution of a park avenue debutante and will go to pieces over the slightest frustration. On the other hand, there are also those who are irrepressibly happy with even the most mundane occupations.

Then there are the rest of us. The people who have varying interests and tolerances. We have to find a vocation that is not just what we "love", we also need to find something we are reasonably competent at. Lets face it, we all love to do things that starkly demonstrate our incompetence. For instance: Dancing and I do not get along. It always causes me a tremendous amount of embarrassment. (Some of you may have recently witnessed this and I sincerely apologize for any mental or emotional scarring it caused.)

So we need to find a vocation that we both love and possess an aptitude for. Rarely do we love what we are skilled at. And even more rarely are we adept at what we love. At this point, a person can go in one of two directions: compromise or sacrifice. You can compromise and do something that you don't love so much, but can achieve competence easily. Or, you can stubbornly hold onto your dream and work until you achieve competence at what you love. Make no mistake; this may require sacrifice of all else you hold dear.

So how do we go about finding our own way? I have no idea. While I have a personal disdain for Mr. Jobs, he does make a good point in the aforelinked speech: you don't really know the path to your calling in life until you've already taken it. What a terribly useless paradox to not know where you are going until you are already there?

Now for the moral of the story, this week someone asked me if I like what I do. Even after committing a great deal of time (3 years) and money (don't ask) toward qualifying for the job, I was surprised to say "I like what I do." Being a lawyer seems to combine my personality, my pass-times, and even my personality defects into a vocation where I not only possess reasonable skill, but that I also enjoy. I never really imagined myself liking what I do to earn a living. Although I still have my reservations, and don't really know what I will do for the remainder of my productive life, I enjoy my job.

EUREKA!

I generally consider myself a hygienic person. Some consider me overly hygienic. That doesn't make sense to me. How can you be too clean? Anyway, while I have impeccable bathing habits, I have long had one weakness in this area: Flossing!

I hate flossing. Despite my loud mouth, I have a dilly of a time maneuvering around in there to get the floss where I need it. It is also one of those activities that doesn't seem like it will last. Mark my words: If we are still using floss to clean between our teeth in 20 years, we have failed to evolve as a species and are doomed to destruction. There must be a better way.

But since I am not the person to invent a better way, I have to do my best to follow the dentists orders. After years of trying, and failing, to simply force myself to floss, I have finally found a way to do it. My method: Consolidation!

About 3 months ago, I started brushing my teeth in the shower. I don't know why, I just did it. But I noticed something about a week ago: When I brush in the shower, I brush longer. This got me thinking. Could there be other positive externalities when I do things in the shower? So I put the package of floss next to the shower and started using it. And, although it is a it harder to do it without a mirror, it has been a week straight of consistent use.

Could consolidating other activities with showering be a way to do things I normally neglect? I just may be onto something. Now I just need to find a way to use the shower to conquer my terrible habit of skipping breakfast.

P.S. I'm back. In the coming days look for posts about Baja, fear, loathing, failure, intelligence (or lack thereof), and if you are lucky, a diatribe on my disdain for NASCAR.

How dare you!?

Someone, you know who you are, recently suggested I should read the famous How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I must admit, I was mildly insulted. After my initial fury subsided, I understood that the person was just trying to help, albeit in a patronizing fashion. So now I must return the favor. I acquired my immense charm through various means. None of the means involved reading a book or attending a Tony Robbins seminar. I largely learned it by observing the behavior of others and not doing what I consider rude, insulting or generally intolerable. Except, of course in this small zone of my personality. Also, in my 27 years on this earth, I have been treated by quite a few people. Some have treated me well; others have treated me poorly. Now, here is the trick: don't treat people how you don't want to be treated. Or conversely, treat others how you'd like to be treated. I know that this is a revolutionary idea but bear with me.

Let's say that your friend needs a ride and asks you for the favor. I know what you are thinking, "I've never needed a ride so how could I possibly know how I would want to be treated." I have a solution: Imagine that one day you do need a ride. Imagine yourself asking someone for ride. Finally ask, "Would I want someone to do me a favor, or not?" Now, give other people the answer you would like. I have no idea where I get this stuff. (Matthew 7:12)

Let's face it, life is full of complex problems that cannot be solved by applying general principles taught by a higher authority. Only by reading books directly on point can you become a better person. Here is an example:

Victory!!!

With his win in the Grand Prix of Brazil, Ferrari driver Kimi Raikkonen has won the Formula 1 Championship. The man once described by Red Bull driver David Coulthard as "dead from the feet up as far as personality" is the World Driving Championship. I am so excited that I cannot sufficiently express it. So let me just tell you how it happened.

Coming into the race, there were three drivers who had a mathematical shot at the title: Lewis Hamilton (Team McLaren Mercedes), Fernando Alonso (also Team McLaren Mercedes), and Kimi Raikkonen (Ferrari). Hamilton was is the lead and it was basically his championship to lose. He basically had to finish 5th or better and it was his. When you are in a McLaren Mercedes, you have no excuses. It and the Ferrari are far and away better than any other car. Fernando and Kimi were basically in the position that they had to win no matter what if their hopes were to be kept alive.

At the start of the race, Felipe Massa in the other Ferrari made sure that he gave his team mate Raikkonen the advantage. By the first turn it was Ferrari 1-2. This was the way the rest of the race went. Raikkonen got by Massa on the second pit stop to take the victory. Fernando (pictured below on the right) did his best but could not match the Ferraris' pace.


As I said, it was Hamilton's race to lose and lose it he did. Here he is being consoled by McLaren team principal Ron Dennis.
Right from the start Hamilton fought others where he didn't have to and ran off the track a couple of times. Then Hamilton suddenly he started to slow. I felt elation as an apparent clutch problem put him back to 18th. He fiddled with the electronics and eventually got it going again. He drove well and fought back hard but finished in 7th handing Raikkonen the championship.

It has been an amazing Formula 1 season: a down to the wire championship fight between 3 of the worlds' greatest drivers, a spying scandal that ended up in a $100 million fine against McLaren, and the dream season for the new Super Aguri team or as they are informally known, Super Best Friends.

While I was unable to jet down to Brazil for the weekend, I did go to the American Le Mans Series race in Monterey. It was incredibly exciting and the driving team of Allan McNish and Rinaldo (Dindo) Capello won the race. Even through 4 hours of racing the Audi R10 Diesel beat the Porsche RS Spyder driven by Romain Dumas and Timo Bernhard by a margin of .41 seconds.


Here is a small video I shot with my digital camera. Here, Dumas is chasing Capello as the sun gets low in the sky.

Conversating

I make up words. That's just the kind of person I am. If I cannot find a word within my limited vocabulary to convey a thought or feeling, I create one. Now, I completely understand that making up a word doesn't help others to understand. In fact, it's probably more confusing to use a word they have never heard. I do not claim to be easily understood. Anyway, I made up a word the other night and I thought I would share it with you. There are five people who were privy to the creation of a highly fevered mind.

Conversating
"kän-v&r-'sA-ti[ng]
verb
To engage in a verbal contest in which the participants are neither edified nor entertained. This act is commonly the first and last interaction between two or more people. In rare instances, it can be done as a sort of game.

Converstating requires at least two parties, one of which is within the range of what most would call "normal." The other participant is a person utterly devoid of tact or social grace. This terrible condition is sometimes the result of a terrible trauma or, more commonly, being raised by wolves. This person is the sort that almost no one wants to be around. Those who choose to be around them possess a rare skill to look beyond extreme annoyance and see a real human being.

A person interacting with another who is conversating finds the experience confusing, uncomfortable, and tiresome. Some people do this as a game: half fun, half effort to mark your social territory. The entire point of coversating is to force your opponent into silence. This may be accomplished by intimidation, fear, frustration, shock, or pure unadulterated idiocy. You win when your opponent sits slack-jawed without any idea how to respond to the last comment. That silencing comment is referred to as a snam or, in Great Britain, a clagger.

There are many types of conversating. Here is one example:


Here is rare variant. I would call this reverse conversating. The obnoxious one ends up being speechless and annoyed:


Now, conversating is not an argument or a debate. An argument has a purpose to the contention. Two sides engage in an effort to convince one another. Conversating has no such point. You do it just to win, just to silence the over and demonstrate dominance. Conversating is a highly passive-aggressive activity.

I mentioned debates. Here is a particular interesting one. If I were in this situation, I would be making up words left and right:

They're here, and I have a plan

I don't think anyone should panic but the alien attack is under way. That's right the first attack was against a small Peruvian village. What does this mean? Well, it could mean that they think that llamas are the dominant species on the planet. Or more probably, they think that that Peruvian pan flute music played on a street corner in every large American city is the source of our power as humans. Whichever explanation is correct, I think we can win this war.

To that end, I have a plan. Before I get to my plan, there are a few things we have learned about aliens from our collective experience (movies). Click on the numbers to find the source of our understanding:

1. If they get separated from the others, they can be both vulnerable and cute. A lone alien will look for any way to communicate or "phone home".

2. Yodeling kills them. Luckily, Slim Whitman is still alive.

3. Water burns them. Why they came to a planet where 70% of the surface will melt their skin is beyond me.

4. Cotton candy is not what you think.

5. Their landing site will be the Devil's Tower in Wyoming. There will be a Frenchman busy making preparations to surrender.

So here is the plan:
The key is to let them first meet the Frenchman upon arrival. That alone might convince them to turn back. If not and the French are paradoxically successful at surrendering, then it will lull them into a false sense of security.

Once they feel they have come, seen, and conquered, we will gather them in for a star-studded event to benefit awareness. Just after Kanye West and Hilary Duff finish their big duet, out come the Yodelers! We'll use both American and Bavarian yodelers because we just don't know which one is more effective. Just as they start to yodel, we also open up the fire hoses.

If we do it right and hype the great gift bags, their entire leadership should be at this event and we will cut off the head of the beast in one fell swoop. Those who are left will be easily dispatched with a splash of water, a beating with a baseball bat, and a killer rendition of Indian Love Call.

Sadly, we won't be able to get rid of them all. If you do encounter one lost and alone. He will probably charm you with his glowing finger. If you fall under his spell and you help him communicate with the others, make sure you sign him up with T-Mobile. He probably won't get a signal no matter where he is and if he does the call will probably be dropped before he can communicate any useful information.

Yep, I'm pretty sure it will work. Especially the water part...or does water just make them multiply?

Here is Plan B:

I had a dream

It is a rare occurrence for me to remember a dream. So when I do remember, I find it strange. Stranger still is the content of my remembered dreams. So here is a window into my unconscious mind:

I leave the house and walk out to a car waiting in the driveway. I get in the rear seat and see to my great surprise that it is being driven by my friend's little brother. This was a shock because it was not the current 18 year old version, but a 6 year old! I was speechless and he began to drive away. He started crashing into anything that dared to place itself in front of the car. He hit everything but a deer and a home run. I mustered the courage and said: "Should you be driving." He replied: "Yes, of course." I responded: "Oh...OK." I sat back in my seat and allowed the lad to continue blazing his path of destruction.

I personally think that dreams CAN have meaning but usually don't. This one hits close to home for me. I don't know why but I think this one might mean something. Does anyone have any idea what this could mean? I need help. Whether you know me or not, use the comments section to share your thoughts.

Rummy

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and I must be kindred spirits. On February 12, 2004, he said:

Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - - the ones we don't know we don't know. And if one looks throughout the history of our country and other free countries, it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones.

People often make fun of this quote but it's brilliant. It makes perfect sense to me. Love him or hate him, Rummy sums up the scope of human knowledge in a succinct, if somewhat poorly organized paragraph. Allow me to break it down for you.

"Known knowns"- As he says, these are things we know that we know. We know that we know our bank balance. If you find that you have no known knowns in your life simply stand with your mouth very close to the mirror. If after a few seconds the mirror fogs, then you have your first known known. Congratulations!

"Known unkowns"- There are certain things we know that we don't know. For instance, I know that I don't know who will win the Superbowl, but I know someone will win it. Or, for those of you who log on to TMZ hourly, we know that two of the stars of The Hills will engage in an old-fashioned duel, we just don't know when, which ones, or what weapons they will choose.

"Unknown unknowns"- It is an infinite universe and there are an infinite number of things to know. With people making decisions constantly, there are new things to know all the time. Lets face it, there is a lot going on that we don't know about. Just think about the things that exist that we don't know anything about. Actually this one is impossible to explain because unknown unkowns are themselves unknown. All I can say is that if, for some reason, you do not believe that there are unknown unknowns then there are two rather troubling possibilities. First, you may be experiencing a severe case of the Dunning-Kruger Effect. Or, even more disturbing, you may actually comprehend the whole of the known and unknown universe. If the breadth and depth of human knowledge and understanding is encapsulated in your brain, we are in a whole lot of trouble.

That's enough serious talk. Don Rumsfeld was one of the most colorful cabinet officicers in the Bush Administration. (Some of you have may think that present Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne is the most colorful, but I respectfully disagree.) Rummy was an animated fellow and always had a quick retort. Below you will find a montage to his facial expressions and gestures.


In one of the most awkward moments in television history, CBS news anchor Dan Rather accused Rumsfeld of stealing Christmas. After assuring his grandchildren that he would never do such a thing, Rummy turned to the newsman and said: "Rather, if you don't take that back, my knuckles will be the last thing you see for a week."



One reporter asked whether the military was still performing experiments with "Remote Viewing" or ESP. Rumsfeld said, "Yes." The whole room, believing it was a joke, erupted in laughter. Rummy showed them he was serious by correctly predicting that Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and Lindsay Lohan would all serve jail time in 2007.



"Take a left at the Arby's and go 3 blocks. On the northeast corner are the best chicken and waffles in northern Virginia."



While speaking at the Council on Foreign Relations, Rummy answered those who criticize his lack of diplomacy by successfully persuading North Koreans and Japanese to sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" together. Here he is assigning to the the first verse to the people that are universally recognized as the most difficult nationality to persuade to sing, the Swiss.



A little known fact, perhaps not known at all, is that Rummy was quite the matchmaker. Here he interrupted a question about Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani to suggest that a young reporter from the Boston Globe, Fiona O'Leary, and CNBC producer Mike Stein would make a lovely couple. Despite never having met before this unsolicited piece of advice, the two were married 4 months later at Rumsfeld's New Mexico ranch.



Here he is instructing a senate committee on what makes primates different from most other mammals. His knowledge of evolutionary biology is unparalleled.

Tijuana, I never want to see you again

I was extorted by one of Tijuana's finest last week. Friday night I went to Baja with my friends Brandt and Nick. They needed to prerun for the Baja 1000 and I went to help them out. I will not be racing. (This is one area in which I do not exhibit the Dunning-Kruger Effect.) As we passed through Tijuana where the traffic is always slow, it suddenly got even slower. We saw flashing lights ahead and we assumed it was an accident. As we inched closer, I saw it was a roadblock of some sort. When we arrived, a police officer waved us to the side. I, rather naively, assumed it was to check for drunks. The true purpose was to shake down Americans.

The police officer approached the car and asked for our IDs and checked the drink holders to see that there were no open containers of alcohol in the car. He handed back the passengers' IDs but kept the driver's. He then announced that we had been speeding and that we had been caught. This was a curious claim because the flow of traffic was well under the speed limit. That is not to say speeding was impossible, but it would have required inconveniently ramming of the car in front of us.

When we questioned exactly where this speed camera was, the officer got very defensive. He said that he would have to ticket us and hold the driver's license until the following Wednesday. That was the only option he presented. It would be impossible for my friend Nick to come back for it as he would be in New Hampshire. After a few minutes of haggling we appeared to be at an impasse. The officer then came up with a solution: you can pay the fine right now! What a brilliant idea!

We got the message. We asked how much the "fine" was. He unfolded a piece of paper from his pocket and demonstrated a fine of $150. This was outrageous. I have never heard of a cop getting more than $40 as a "fine" for a similar "violation." He would not not negotiate. We eventually paid the whole $150. We asked for paperwork and he replied: "No, because I say so."

This officer did this right on the side of the road in plain view of all of his colleagues. He had no fear or shame for simply shaking down "rich" Americans. This fits the classic definition of extortion:

1. The offense committed by a public official who illegally obtains property under the color of office; esp., an official's collection of an unlawful fee.
2. The act or practice of obtaining something or compelling some action by illegal means, as by force or coercion. (Black's Law Dictionary)

I never want to go to Tijuana again. Next time, we'll use the Tecate or Mexicali crossing. Yes, we will go many miles out of the way just to avoid that putrid city and its uniformed extortionists. If you go to Mexico, educate yourself here and here.

Dunning-Kruger Effect

There is no better job than a college professor these days. They work very little and get paid 6 figures for it. Teaching load is 1/3 less than it was 20 years ago and acceptable office hours are 9am-10am on the first and third Wednesday of each month but only if those particular days fall on a new moon.

So what do professors do all day? They perform experiments on graduate students and identify things like the Dunnning-Kruger Effect. The effect was found as part of a continuing effort to identify and name all of my personality defects. What is the Dunnning-Kruger Effect? It is the phenomenon that people who don't know anything, can't even figure out that basic fact about themselves. Justin Kruger and David Dunning (both of Cornell) won an Ignobel Award for this research in 2000. Here is the full report.

How did they find this effect? They administered test to graduate students on humor, logical reasoning, and grammar. They then asked the subjects how they did and compared the self-assessment to their actual performance. They also had the subjects grade each other. What did they find? The people who did poorly on the test thought they did very well and didn't recognize those who really did well.

The researchers summed up the people they are talking about:
We argue that when people are incompetent in the strategies they adopt to achieve success and satisfaction, they suffer a dual burden: Not only do they reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it. Instead, like Mr. Wheeler (a bank robber who believed that smearing lemon juice on his face would render him invisible to security cameras), they are left with the mistaken impression that they are doing just fine.

Here are a few examples of this that we all observe:
- The first few episodes of American Idol.

- Very often the fellow behind you at a sporting even. He (it's very rarely a she) compares the abilities of the performing player to himself or, even more derisively, his grandmother.

- People who write blogs believing that they are somehow contributing to society and culture. In reality, they are hasting the downfall of America and assisting the rise of Canada. Let me be the first to congratulate our maple leafed overlords!

- Those who disparage the careers of others while having no hope of ever achieving such a position. See paragraph 1 above.

I Officially Have No Personality

I took an online personality test and found out I have very little personality. My highest ranking in any category is 37% and that was neuroticism. See my results for yourself:

I'm a O20-C25-E1-A27-N37 Big Five!!

Small World, Even Smaller Blogosphere

The blogosphere is an amazing place. It is a place where thousands, perhaps millions of people post ideas and photos of things that wouldn't, and probably shouldn't, be remembered in the first place. While it is composed of the creations of many humans, the blogosphere is entirely devoid of life. I often find myself going from blog to blog reading what other people have to say. Sometimes I am amazed by people's insights. Most of the time the posts have more than five sentences and I just move on.

The other day I clicked on a link and started to scroll down when I saw a familiar face. I scrolled down some more and found two more people I recognized.

Its funny who you run into on the "internet." The second photo down is my nephew. Yes, the one captioned "Little boyfriend #1." The seventh photo down is my other nephew and my older sister. I know what you are thinking and let me assure you that neither of us is adopted and we are full-blood siblings.

What I learned from Mamma Mia

In a tragically common lapse in judgment I went to Mamma Mia on Wednesday night. I would rank going as the second stupidest thing I have ever done. Staying would be the third stupidest thing. (For those of you who are curious, you may ask me about the stupidest thing I have ever done, but it will be a very awkward conversation.)

For those of you who don't know, Mama Mia is a Broadway musical based on the music of the Swedish disco group Abba. When your concept starts with scoring a play from a bunch of halfway decent songs by a group that only made one decent song, you have problems. What is the result? Not good. They sang Dancing Queen not once...not twice...but thrice! (I don't know why they didn't include Disco Inferno. I like that one much better.) They attempted to fit a story in there but it was obviously an afterthought. The result was boring enough to bring a grown man to sobs and as about as funny as a tour of a slaughterhouse.

I started to think of any legal theories that might compensate me form my tragic loss. I could sue for loss of brain cells but no reasonable jury would believe I had them in the first place. Not being one to view an experience as completely useless, here are 3 things I learned.

1. In acting, having a foreign accent is a full-time job. Part-time accents simply don't work.

2. Flashing colored lights in the wrong combination can cause seizures. I must admit I wanted the distraction. Maybe having a seizure is kind of like hypnotism?

3. Broadway musicals are not targeted toward me or any other normal male. This was patently obvious from the amount of fabric on the men's costumes versus the women's.

Would I ever go to another musical? The answer is no, not without a good reason. And that good reason would never be found in the performance itself. The good reason would probably be of the female persuasion. They have mysterious powers to get me to do things that are completely out of character.

Birthdays

I am not a big fan of birthdays, at least not mine. I don't really get what all the fuss is about. However, for the other 364 days of the year, it's kind of fun to look at who shares your birthday and what happened on that day through the years. Here is what I found. I've tried to include a pretty good variety of material.

My birthday shall remain unspecified, but patently obvious to anyone who bothered to click the link. Other than being the most depressing day of 2007 (seriously, click on the link), my birthday was the 117th anniversary of the United Mine Workers of America. Wait, it gets better! It was also the day that Spain ceded the Falkland Islands to England. A day well-celebrated by both of the families who live there today. In 1905, a Russian revolution was sparked by "Bloody Sunday". (Not to be confused with the Bloody Sunday that U2 sang about. That was January 30. I'm glad I wasn't born on that day.) In 1917, President Wilson called for "peace without victory" to end WWI. We all know how that turned out. In 1973, the US Supreme Court delivered the opinion in Roe v. Wade. Thank you Justice Blackmun. Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, plead guilty for the murder of 3 people.

On the lighter side, LA's channel 5 KTLA started broadcasting as the first commercial television station west of the Mississippi. In 1973, George Foreman gave Joe Frazier his first loss causing Howard Cosell to yell: "Down goes Frazier, down goes Frazier!" One of the greatest exclamations in sport.

Who shares my birthday?
- Linda Blair, she played the possessed girl in The Exorcist
- Sir Francis Bacon, philosopher and an important part of a hearty breakfast
- Lord Byron, the romantic poet. This one is for the ladies.
- Grigori Rasputin, the Russian peasant/psychic/screenwriter who inadvertently hastened the introduction of communism to Russia. Thanks a lot, boyo!
- DW Griffith, the first truly famous American film director. His first hit glorified the KKK.
- Justice Fred Vinson, Supreme Court Justice. Known as one of the weaker intellects to sit on the Court. At least that was what my Constitutional law professor said.
- Sam Cooke, singer of "You Send Me" and "Chain Gang"
- Marcel Dassault, a great aircraft pioneer. I forgive him for being French.
- Jeff Smith, TV chef nicknamed The Frugal Gourmet and former neighbor of my parents.
- The Right Honorable Ramsay MacDonald was not born. But he did become Prime Minister of Great Britain on this day. Winston Churchill said of him: "He has, more than any other man, the gift of compressing the largest number of words into the smallest amount of thought." Ask me Winston Churchill's quote about the traditions of the British Navy.
- John Hurt, creepy English actor. He played the Elephant Man, John Merrick.
-DJ Jazzy Jeff, former celebrity and partner of Will Smith

Unfortunately some people die on this day too:
- Queen Victoria in 1901 after a 63 year reign
- Mike Hawthorn, World Driving Champion in 1958 with Ferrari. Ironically, he died in a street car accident.
- Duke Kahanamoku,The Big Kahuna himself
- Lyndon Baines Johnson, President, but not a very good one.
- Budd Dwyer, politician who shot himself at a press conference he called. He was about to be sentenced on corruption charges.
- Telly Savales, Kojak.

I guess its not such a bad day. I just don't like it being about me.

Below is a video clip of the Foreman/Frazier fight. George Foreman later became known for other achievements including:
- A complete lack of creativity in naming his male children
- Spokesman for Meineke Mufflers
- A popular kitchen appliance that should NOT be used to cook bacon bedside.

You will not hear Howard Cosell's famous line because that footage doesn't get on Youtube. You get a different announcer. Foreman in red and Frazier in white. Frazier was known as a slow starter in fights but it quickly became apparent that this bout would end badly for Smokin' Joe.

Passive-agressivism

I love small cars. Partly because I own one and partly because they have certain advantages. One of the largest advantages is parking. I can park pretty much anywhere.

This morning I was rushing to Church for the morning meeting and the only space in my preferred area was between a properly parked minivan and a large sport utility that only could have been parked by an escaped mental patient rushing to knock over a 7-11. There was very little room but I took it anyway. While there was very little room on both sides, I chose to leave as much room as I could for the minivan. After the meeting I had to go home to fetch something at home. As I left I saw a few acquaintances in the hall and, as is my custom, chatted with them. I mentioned what I did and my friend Deron and I agreed to do that on purpose when there are plenty of spaces around would be a very passive-aggressive thing to do. We laughed and I left.

As I returned I saw my friend Matt's car in the parking lot and I parked next to it. There were plenty of spaces but I chose the one on his driver's side. As I stopped the car I thought: I'm really a passive-aggressive person and I should really embrace this terrible character flaw. I backed out and got as close to Matt's car as possible making sure there was no way a human could access the driver's door. I have nothing against Matt. No one is more kind to me. He is one of my very best friends. But that does not provide immunity.

After sacrament meeting he found me and demanded I move my car. I offered to let him move it but this was a hollow offer because he can't drive a car equipped with a manual transmission. I suggested he just climb in the passenger's side. I guess he's not that limber. He must have demanded I move my 8 or 9 times during the 3 hour block. Each time I refused and laughed maniacally. I have never received so much pride or pleasure from such a small act of utter contempt for my fellow man. Passive-aggressiveness is just plain fun.

Some other passive-aggressive activities I enjoy:
- Speeding up when someone uses their blinker to signal a lane change in front of you.

- Standing while reading a magazine in the most popular aisle of the magazine section at Borders so others can't get to the rack they want.

- Intentionally changing the TV channel to something others in the room will surely hate. For some reason everyone I know hates the History Channel. For the populace at large, Lifetime is a sure bet.

- Leaving a very small tip after profusely thanking your waiter for the wonderful service.

- Standing right next to the outlet of the airport baggage claim so when their bags come out, people have to maneuver around you further down the line to get their suitcase. (The proper thing to do is stand a few steps back and only get right up to it when you suspect its your bag.)

- Slot in front of that guy, no matter how little room there is, and pull your bag off the carousel forcing him to move. Be sure to say "Excuse me" with the toothiest grin you can muster.

- And, perhaps the most passive-aggressive thing to do: Drive slowly in the left lane on the freeway. To me this indicates a level of malice that approaches serial killers. I bet Ted Bundy drove like that.

BYU: You didn't used to be cool man.

I did not always think that. In fact, I found it to be a rather uncool and uncomfortable institution. The campus was constantly marred by construction projects and crowds between classes. I'm pretty sure that I would have been more comfortable doing 20 to life in Folsom than 90 minutes in the MARB. Of course, there were good parts. It was academically challenging. Some of my professors were truly great. My particular favorites were Fred Williams, Kit Lund, and Stan Taylor. But this doesn't make it cool as an institution.

That said, my opinion changed slightly this week. I got an email from my cousin John. He is one of the most fascinating people I know and possesses a bit of a wandering spirit. For 15 years he has only had 3 credits to complete to graduate. This week he called BYU to see about finishing. After explaining his situation, the person on the other end of the phone said: "Oh, we sent you a letter four years ago but it came back. We changed our policy. You're done. Would you like to graduate in June or in August?"

Cool... but not that cool? Let me provide some context. My father left Cal State Long Beach in the 1970's with 3 credits to go. Encouraged by Steven Spielberg's return to the same institution (and the fact that his employer would pay tuition), my father determined to go back to school. The first thing he learned was that after 10 years, your credits expire and you have to either do it over or have your credits recertified by the particular department. It took him 2 years to get to the point where he could finally start taking classes. In one case, a head of department refused to recertify his credits. What did he do? He waited until the guy was replaced and went to the new guy. It then took him another 2 years to complete the coursework. He finally graduated 40 years after he started college. The fact of the graduation was cool, but the institution was decidedly uncool.

Did Mr. Spielberg have to go through the red tape? Of course not. They gave him credit for his work experience. (They refused to do this for my father even though he presented ample evidence.) That's right, Schindler's List was considered one of his student projects. Of course in some ways it was a typical student project. With a budget of $25 million, box office receipts of $317 million worldwide, and 7 Academy Awards it was obviously just a learning experience. Let's just hope he does better in the real world.

Malcolm McDowell frightens me

Malcolm McDowell is undoubtedly a highly talented actor. He has worked with such acclaimed directors as Stanley Kubrick and Robert Altman. He currently appears in a show on the peacock network about people who possess special powers and do heroic things. The name of the show escapes me.

You'd think that seeing him in person would be an exciting, even pleasant experience. Surprisingly, it was rather disturbing. In August of 2002, I went with my father, my friend Brandt, and his father Jon to the Monterey car weekend. Friday was the Concorso Italiano in Carmel and we went to see more Ferraris, Lamborghinis, and de Tamasos than you can shake a sizable stick at. While walking along in the beautiful sunshine viewing a selection of Ferraris my friend Brandt elbowed me. "Do you know who that is? It's Malcolm McDowell!" He pointed to an elderly gentleman. It was indeed the actor. He was appearing in a revival of Fantasy Island so everyone knew who he was. He was sort of odd-looking. He had spiky white hair. His feet were shod in bright red Nikes. He wore shorts much shorter than any man over 60 has a right to wear.

My friend Brandt was much more impressed than I. (The next day we saw Phil Hill. Can you believe it? Phil Hill!) We moved on to view more fine automobiles. After a few minutes, I turned to my right and saw Malcolm McDowell again. Standing right next to me! This was a bit shocking but I quickly recovered and we continued. A few minutes later, it happened again. A few more minutes passed and he appeared next to us again! At this point I became concerned. Is he following us? What does he want? Why is he wearing those shorts? I don't believe in coincidences so I decided something must be done. We altered our route and lost him in a crowd. I cannot say what would have happened without this evasive action, but I prefer not to imagine the possibilities.

While most of us can say that we have stalked a celebrity, few can say that they were stalked by a celebrity. Fewer still can say it was Malcolm McDowell.

Why?!

Why did I decide to start a blog? Well, to be honest I have real work to do that is boring me to sobs and I cannot find any more distractions. I have been thinking about it for a long time because I spend way too much time just thinking. I carefully considered the probability that I would make a valuable contribution to society versus the probability that I would not just be wasting time and bandwidth but actually hastening the destruction of mankind. And ... I went ahead anyway.

What do I hope to get out of this new endeavor? Nothing. What do I hope you get out of this? Slightly more. How do I plan to achieve this goal? Well, in my daily life I seem to act natural and serious and people laugh hysterically. Case in point: I was teaching a Sunday School class last week and I made a comment about my long-deceased great, great, great grandfather leaving the old country. The whole room erupted in laughter. At first I thought everyone else had some sort of mental illness. I searched the DSM-IV-TR but could find no disorder whose only symptom is inappropriate laughter. While I haven't ruled out everyone else being crazy, I think it might be something about me. We shall see. If you know of any such malady, post a comment.